“BEATING THE EXAMS BLUES”

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 2008


Parenting Talk by Mrs Lalitha Kok
@ Temasek Sec School AV Theatrette on 5th July 2008

On the morning of 5th July (Saturday), the PSG held a sharing session on a topic close to the hearts of all

parents – Beating the Exam Blues. The session, helmed by non other than the school counselor Mrs Lalitha Kok, was attended by the Principal, Mrs Ong, Vice-Principal, Ms Pamela Yoong, as well as members of the PSG committee.

Mrs Kok began by emphasizing that as parents, we can play an active role in helping our children cope with exam stress and manage life’s anxieties. Having highlighted that kids do face many fears and anxieties everyday and the need to put in place relevant strategies long before the exams, she then explained the many reasons why today’s teens are under so much pressure in their life. Major sources of stress include the high expectations of parents, grueling academic and CCA demands of excellence and even peer demands on them. Having said that, Mrs Kok assured the audience that kids would eventually overcome these challenges in the long term. The question is whether they have the level of discipline to maintain focus for consistent performance.

She also brought up an interesting point that girls seem to manage stress better as they tend to open up and share their problems with their friends or parents and seek help, whereas boys may react differently. The important thing is to always maintain open communication with them as parents, and find out what is troubling them, especially when stress symptoms such as falling grades, headaches, tiredness and anxiety kick in. Mrs Kok advised parents that problems do take time to be resolved, and we have to recognize that different kids are affected differently by stress.

Mrs Kok then proposed practical steps we can adopt to help our kids cope with stress. Priority must be given to nurturing a child’s self-esteem at home. She urged parents to maintain a positive atmosphere at home, so that the home becomes the “great safety net” that the child can seek support and help, and upon which he can build his confidence. Parents also learnt that if they themselves do not have confidence, and do not feel good about themselves, then the child would also feel lousy.

It is also very important to cultivate communication with your child. I was stunned to hear from Mrs Kok that among some of the kids who keep failing exams, their parents don’t speak to them at all. She stressed that as adults, we must listen to what our kids have to say, and respect them as individuals. Sharing from her personal experience, Mrs Kok reminded parents to watch the tone of our voice and avoid talking down to our teenagers, meaning, “no lecturing and preaching”. She urged parents to meet with kids at least once a day - for instance over mealtimes - to talk with them. As kids find it a turn-off when parents start asking, “How was school?” parents should instead find a new style of communication and have a relaxing conversation with kids, perhaps on something lighthearted and general.  

Mrs Kok also touched on the importance of knowing our children’s strengths and weaknesses. Unnecessary stress can result if we put unrealistic expectations on them. Instead, we should recognize their strengths and help build them up. On the other hand, some kids who are high achievers put unrealistic expectations on themselves, resulting in self-induced stress. As parents we must help them manage their own expectations too.  

By setting ground rules before the exams, parents can help kids cope better with exam stress. Inculcating good study habits, drawing up revision schedules to ensure sufficient preparation for exams, teaching them time management skills or even getting extra academic support in the form of tuition are some areas that parents can play a role in. Mrs Kok stressed that it is critical to prepare well if we want to beat the exam blues. She also urged parents not to passively stand on the sidelines and expect the child to be discipline, switch off the TV and computer by themselves and so on. Having said that, she also reminded parents to help the child balance exam preparation with reasonable periods of relaxation time in between studying.

Parents can also teach the child how to cope with stress in positive ways. As parents we can step in to help them when they meet with setbacks by teaching them to look at failure positively and learn from the experience. Mrs Kok cautioned that leaving the child to his own devises when failure occur may have negative consequences at times, so it is vital that parents step in and take parental control at the appropriate time. This is because the child may not be mature enough to handle failure, and he may drift into negative ways of coping with stress if we leave him alone. Such negative behaviour may include indulging in more gaming, more TV, etc as a way to escape his problems. This will lead to secondary stress, which may see more problems being created, such as smoking, sleeplessness, self-inflicted harm or in the extreme case, suicide. We as parents must know our children well, be aware of their situation and problems, and help them in a positive way. We need to be assertive at times so as to pull them back from the brink of disaster.

Parents can help the child do a reality check on causes of failure and help them understand the consequences of his actions. Mrs Kok cited the example of the child getting involved in a relationship before the exams. She said that parents could take action to help them by analyzing the consequences of their actions. Advice, guidance and if necessary, censure from parents are still crucial as the child may not be mature yet.

Mrs Kok then taught parents a useful first-aid technique for beating stress: deep-breathing exercises to calm your nerves. She also gave tips on relaxation, such as making time for something you like. Parents also contributed their own experiences and shared their methods of relaxing. Peng shared that she exercises to relax while another parent would shout out loud into the pillow to vent his stress. A mother said that she would lock herself in the room and put on a facemask for an hour, in order to get some quiet time to relax by herself.

The parents I spoke with seemed to have emerged from the session with a new found sense of confidence as to how to beat the exam blues together with their kids. A mother shared that it now dawned on her that perhaps she needed to find a new way to help her daughter overcome her ‘slow motion’ in doing her schoolwork. There may be no easy solutions to some of the problems we face, and my heart goes out to the father who shared about his frustration over his son’s angry responses when he and his wife asked about schoolwork.

While the concerns, problems and issues experienced by parents may be universal, the solutions and techniques on handling the situation or the individual child really must be ‘custom-made’, as every child is unique. But with parents’ consistent support, love, encouragement and the of course the “WE CARE” attitude, I believe that our children will overcome life’s hurdles - with exams being only one of them – and soar to greater heights in these precious years of their youth.

As for me, I fully agree with Peng when she said that the best thing to do for our kids is to take care of ourselves first. It’s only when we feel good about ourselves can our kids then feel confident and good about themselves too. And from Mrs Kok, I learnt that it is important to recognize that kids are still kids though they may crave for independence, and we need to step in and be assertive when necessary to prevent more problems from arising. Like what Mrs Kok said, no child wants to fail, as they really want to do well to please their parents. But along the way, they may use some help from us.

Contributed by PSG Member Mdm Goh Ngee Hui